The Larger Space He Filled

I laid by your bed watching you stomach bobbing up and down almost as if you were drowning in your own stomach. Your body was growing, expanding, and the color was leaving your eyes. I could tell something was wrong.

"Don't worry boy, everything will be okay." I whispered "I’ll be here I promise. I won't let anything happen to you. I swear. As long as you're with me… you'll be safe." With those last word I put my hand gently on his stomach laying next to him. My dog. The only dog I had longer than a day. The dog I've had since Preschool. The one I wasn't there for. The one I complained about and to all the time. He never cried, he never yelped. The sweetest dog I could ever asked for was in pain, and I could tell. Turning looking into his eyes, I noticed they were fading. I remember the first day I got him… when those now dull eyes were bright and brown… almost like a chocolate bar; yeah, that’s it! A chocolate bar. He used to run everywhere, but now he could hardly walk a few feet.  He used to hop up on the couch begging for attention, but due to my mom that quickly ceased. He used to eat carrots… all the time. They were his favorite food, his favorite treat that he would engorge himself on. Now he wouldn’t even lick them. I didn't know what was wrong with him.

I laid at a slant beside him carefully studying his ribcage. It was still rising. I put my head down allowing his fur to absorb my tears. "I love you Smokey…" I stood up walking away as his head sprung up. I looked back to see the sweet dog I'd always loved. His ears laid down glued to his head, his eyes filled with sorrow.

"I promise boy," I paused to briefly take a deep breath, "It'll all be okay." I said walking back to smooth his ears putting him down to rest his head. I kissed him gently on his head, as I sighed and walked until reached my room. Slumped in my bed, I laid awake for hours knowing something really was wrong. Soon fell into a trance to be awoken my alarm. I prepared myself for the day I was to embrace.

For hours I sat waiting, anticipating… occasionally stopping by knowing I couldn't stay by him long. Eventually my mother took him to the vet.

"Don’t worry," she stated , "I'm sure he'll just need some medication."

I knew the truth though. I sat playing video games, just trying to get my mind of things. Time seemed to fly, until that moment. My brother came downstairs balling and hugged me.

"What's wrong?" I questioned him.  My father followed down the stairs. His face filled with sorrow. His skin seemed paler than usual, which was quite pale, though somehow managed to look me straight in the eyes. I could feel my brother's steamed breath condensation on my clothes and his tear dampening my shirt. I fought hard to keep my tears back. My dad took a breath.

"Its Smokey," he began "He has cancer. He has multiple tumors. One erupted in his stomach. He also has one on his tongue." His voice began growing more and more shaky but I didn’t care. I blocked everything out. The last words I heard were "We have to put Smokey down. He's suffering," My dad was now beginning to cry, "He'll be dead by tonight. The vet said he has less than 10% of a chance of making it till morning. We brought him home so you can’t say goodbye to him before we put him down."  It was too late. Rivers streamed down my face. I felt my stomach drop as my world shifted around me. Reality finally kicked in. In a way, I was expecting that, but I fought so hard to believe it not to be true. This was a lot more than a daily medication could fix. My mind flooded with everything. The day I kicked him while I was on the swing seemed to appear in my mind most frequent. I was the reason he had hip problems and didn't get the proper exercise he needed. How I always fed him lunch meat, carrots, and other foods.  All the memories, how he knew when I was upset, when I was happy, and the kiss up he was when I was upset with him. I couldn't believe how selfish I had been.

I rubbed my brothers back I got up, "You- you're lying," I stuttered, "he cant be." I sprinted upstairs and ran outside to the car, where he laid in the back seat. I sat talking about 20 minutes.

"Hey boy," I paused, trying to gather my boggled mind, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry… I broke my promise boy." I huffed under my breath sniffling and trying to hold back my tears.  I could tell he was in pain. He knew our emotion, so he was tormented emotionally, physically, and mentally. I could tell he didn't know what was going on. That little did he know this was one of the last times We'd ever see each other. Tears flooded my eyes. I laid there just hugging him, embracing him. I told him over and over how much I loved him, how sorry I was, but I knew it would never be enough.  I felt like I had been slammed with a semi truck on a highway. I couldn't and still imagine how he felt. Blood gushing inside him, pressuring his inside organs. He never did anything, but I guess only the good die young. I filmed him, took pictures of him, cried alongside him, fed him. I  did anything I could to make his last bit of life worthwhile.

I walked inside for a brief moment to be embraced by my father.

"It'll be okay," he whispered, "We-"

"How long?" I questioned him.

"What do you-"

"When are you taking him?" I stared sternly

"About ten minutes." he replied solemnly.

"I'll be with him until then."

I turned out the door to accompany my dog. Minutes felt like hours as I watched him pant, studying my eyes carefully. He knew something was wrong, but I know he didn't know what. My parents came out and drove him away. That’s the last time I saw my dog. That important part of my family, a major part of my childhood. I don't know why he had cancer,  but he did. Apparently he had it for a year. I knew something was always wrong, but my mom never listened. I could picture him, in that room looking my mom and dad wondering why he was strapped down, who the man beside him was… what the pain was he felt, how starving he must've been. The pain he endure up to the point they stuck that needle in to end his misery. How can you even explain how that would feel?

That night I tortured myself with music. I listened to songs such as "More Than This" "Moments" and a lot of others, but mainly the two. I guess that's just how I get through things. Lyrics have their own voice. Crying tires you out so quickly, I practically passed out. I finally knew how it felt to cry myself to sleep. I guess it turned out okay, but I still miss him, I think of him every day. So I guess there no closure or absolution. There's only the missing gap, but the even larger space he filled.

The Brightest Star in the Sky

Present

The waves lined the shore, crashing and dancing at our feet. We stood there watching, waiting and anticipating. I looked at him, gazing into his eyes. They were sparkling like diamonds in the sunlight and blue as the ocean in which we stood. Staring at his lips as we leaned in for the perfect kiss and then… beep beep beep. I turned over glaring at my alarm clock sighing Tonight. I thought to myself Tonight will be perfect. I can see him again. I dragged myself out of bed looking down at my gorgeous diamond ring, only to clench at my stomach.

“Another beautiful sunny day, huh Lex?” I could hear a familiar voice as I leaned over the rails of the staircase rubbing my eyes to make an effort to open them. Big waste of my time, it was just my brat of a sister Jess. “Have another dream about Christian?” she smeared.

“Shut up.” I mumbled.

“What did you say?” She remarked with another one of her looks.

“I said shut up.”  

“Oh yeah, whose going to make me? Christian?” I turned ferociously stomping into my room picking up the glass I had from last night. “That’s what I thought.” I heard her snarling from at the bottom of the steps. I turned running to the rail hurdling the glass down at the ground as it shattered, glass coving the ground. She looked up at me speechless with a look of surprise.

“I said shut up and I meant it. Now go bother somebody else.”

I got on the bus that morning listening to the bickering behind me, usually I would be along the chatter, but  I just listened to “Heaven” by: Bryan Adams until we finally reached school. I stepped off the bus clenching my coat; shivering at the cold gusts of wind.

I walked into the with the building only to be surrounded by the guys. “Hey, whatcha’ got there?” Brian teased tugging away my iPod.

“Give it back!” I exclaimed.

“Okay,” he groaned, “why are you so obsessed with that stupid song?”

“It’s a long story,” I replied, “Its just-“

“Well, I’m sure I’ve got time for a story.”

“I just-“ I paused hesitantly, “fine. I’ll tell you.”

June 29, 2008

 “Hey beautiful.” I heard a voice behind me. It was no question who it was.

“Christian!” I exclaimed turning away from my locker hugging him. As I pulled away he whipped out a bouquet of flowers. They were bright and vibrant, he obviously knew me well; as I’d always assumed. He always brightened up my day.

“Wow,” I gasped speechlessly, “they’re beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you.”

“Cheesy as always.” I laughed as he grinned.

“So, listen I have a surprise for you,” he whispered with his cheeky glow, “meet me outside at 2:50” I nodded in agreement.

Minutes felt lie hours until finally, the bell rang and I rushed grabbing everything from my locker and I came flying out the door and into Christian’s arms.

“Chill,” he began “you still had 30 seconds.”  I giggled a bit before he escorted me to his gorgeous black ’67 Chevy Impala. It was a true beauty.  

“Ready to go?” he questioned me with his big blue eyes.

“Definitely-“

“Oh before I forget-!” He handed me a change of clothes, “Go change quickly! You’re a bit overdressed for where we’re going.”

I jumped out of the car running to the bathroom. I changed into the clothes he gave me. It was the cutest cropped top tee that said ‘Free’ and these amazing dark washed high wasted shorts, and little back sandals.

“Wow you look stunning.” Christian teased.

“What is that supposed to make me feel beautiful?” I snarled, noticing where his eyes were exactly. "Eyes up buddy, this aint a peep show. You may be my boyfriend but-"

"Sorry. sorry." he said raising his hands in defense. "Now come on hop in."

“Where are we going?”

“Surprise.”

“No really where are we-“

“Surprise.”

“Oh wow,” I remarked, “I didn’t realize the middle of my sentence was interrupting the beginning of yours.” We exchanged glances laughing.

Listening to music, driving and talking… the time flew. Then we finally stopped in a parking lot on a cliff. He came and opened my door leading me down the stairs on the side of the hill to a little beach. The beach was surrounded by dense green woods and brilliantly bright flowers. They looked a lot like the ones in the bouquet he gave me. I felt isolated from the world like it was just him and I.

“Are those the same flowers in the-“

“Yes,” he cut me off once again, “Those are the flowers in you bouquet .” he smiled. “Well let’s get in the water!”

“But- I don’t have a bathing suit!” I exclaimed.

“Oh well!” He had the giddiest expression on his face as he grabbed my waste running at the water. We swam, splashed and laughed for hours. Until the sun began to set and we laid on the shore with our feet in the water. I felt so right with him wrapped in his arms. I wanted to be with him forever.

“Let’s build a sandcastle!” I exclaimed springing up like a little townsfolk child on Christmas day. He sprung up grabbing my wrist and pulled me closer as he brought out a remote pressing a button as the song “Heaven” by: Brian Adams came through the speakers of an iPod dock I didn't even notice. He pulled me closer as I laid my head on his shoulder while he caressed my hips as we rocked back and forward. The waves lined the shore, crashing and somehow dancing with us  at our feet. As the song ended; we stood there watching, waiting and anticipating. I looked at him, gazing into his eyes. They were sparkling like diamonds in the moonlight and blue as the crystal like water in which we stood. Staring at his lips as we leaned in for the perfect kiss and then… he pulled away for some reason.

“Hailey.” he said shakily.

“What?” I asked nervous to know the answer.

“I can’t be with you anymore.”

“What? Why?”

“Look its not you it’s-“

“Me,” I cut him off quickly, “never heard that one before.” Turning away from him scurrying the other direction.

“No, listen you don’t understand”

“No, you don’t understand!” I screeched with tears welling in my eyes, “We’ve been together four years and you want to dump me now?”

“It’s not like that!” he yelled chasing after me until he caught me, spinning me on my heels. “It’s not like that…” he said quietly. He leaned in to whisper something in my ear and kissed me on the cheek as my tears began flowing even more rapidly as if a river of all the frustration, anger, fear, sadness, and every other emotion I could feel were just flowing out of me.

“Can we stay here for a while longer?” I asked "Please." His eyes seemed to plead to find the emotion in my eyes yet saw a mass of confusion. He nodded his head and we laid there watching the stars.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

June 30, 2008

“Hailey!” I heard an exclamation from downstairs, “phone! Something about some guy… Christian?” I  sprinted down the stairs and answered the phone.

“I have to run Jess! I’ll be back by tomorrow!”

“But-“ the door slammed shut before she could respond and I was out the door. My sister ran in front of my car as I slammed the breaks; my car came to a long, screeching halt.

I sprung from my car, “What the hell?” I screamed, “I could’ve killed you! How stupid could you be?”

“I don’t care,” she replied voice shaking, “I want to know what’s wrong.”

“You won’t care, you don’t care about anything but yourself!”

“Fine. You’re right.” She said sternly, “I don’t care, but it’ll get dirt on you.”

“I don’t need your remarks, okay?” I sighed, “Move out of the way.”

“No not until you tell me,” she paused for a moment but then continued, “unless you want to b a big baby about everything.”

“God I’m happy I’m leaving you soon. Mom’s going to come home and I’ll be back off to college without snot nosed little brats like you.”

“Still not moving,” he smirked, but that smirk disappeared even quicker than it came for she looked in my eyes, “I’ve never seen you like this. Now I’m worried. What’s wrong?” 

“Christian. He’s in the hospital. He wasn’t supposed to die for another week! I have to go see him! What if he dies tonight…  Now move! Or I swear to god-“

“Okay.”

Once she moved, I pressed down on the pedal, hard.  I drove with tears forming in my eyes. Suck it up I thought, he can’t see your tears. Here it is. I looked up at huge red cross and sprinted from  my car all the way to Christian’s room. I froze staring at him as he gazed out the window. He turned his head with the brightest smile on his face, which faded as quickly as it came when his eyes stared at my face.

“How can you be smiling right now. It’s supposed to be your last day.”

“Because,” he began, “I get to spend it with you.” I was still wearing the clothes he had given me the day before. I walked to the chair by his medical bed and laid my head on his chest sobbing.

“Hey,” he said tilting my head so my eyes met his. I tried to tear my gaze from his but I couldn’t. I couldn’t help but notice his sparkle was beginning to leave and is eyes were dulling. “Please don’t be sad. I’ll always be with you. Just look up to the stars; I’ll be the brightest one in the sky.”

“Christi-“

“No, ” he cut me off, “Let me try to get this out. You’re the most extraordinarily brilliant girl I’ve even met. You're beautiful, cheeky, and I love you.” He pulled out a ring continuing on, “Hailey, I love you."

“I love you too.” I began crying a river.

"Will you marry me?"

"We can't get married..."

"Why not? My vows, the rings and everything you’ll have them. It just won’t be official, but I want you to keep going on and live your life. Even without me you can be happy. Carry on. We can have a fake little wedding right now if you want.”

I laughed, "Sure." I said.

"Okay," he said, "I Christian take you Alexia to be my wife."

" And I take you Christian to be my husband." I laughed at the thought.

"You have to promise me you'll carry on no matter what. You have to live your life without me there." he paused to look at me. "Do you promise?

“I promise,” I paused, “ but you’re my one and only. No one can replace you. I’m sorry but you may not be my first but you're most definitely my last.” He smiled and went on talking about everything that’s happened to us and I fell asleep by the side of his bed, my head on his chest and the feeling of him stroking my hair. His stomach bobbed up and down ever so slightly, and so steady. Being in his arms was the best feeling I ever felt. I was woken with a long lasting beep. My eyes opened, blurry trying to adjust to the brightly lighted room. I looked over at the monitor. The line was straight and the noise of the beep was now crisp and clear. I began shaking him.

“Christian?” I began “Christian? Christian! No!” I screamed. I became frantic.“We need a doctor! Please help me!” A group of men and women swarmed in pushing me out of the room.

"You have to give us space. You need to get out." I stood outside the room watching helplessly. He was gone.

  “That’s it everyone.” The doctor called. “2:48 AM. July 31, 2008.

Present

"And I haven't loved anyone else since." I murmured. I looked up to see the guys with their heads hanging low speechless over what they just heard. 

"I- I'm so sorry." Brian stuttered, "I had no idea."I just-"

"Yeah," I huffed under my breath, "but its fine." I looked down at my ring then out the window, and in a hushed tone I whispered, "I see him every night."  

Topic 1: Love "What Is Love?"

Love... Love is something that everybody wants to feel. Its something everybody thinks they’ve felt. It’s the thing that everybody who thinks they’ve felt it say that its the thing in life that hurts the most, but its not the love that hurts. The thing that hurts is that you think you feel love, but you really don't, and the delusional feelings you have inside you crashes down into your emotion and makes you broken hearted. People always say to take caution when it comes to love, and others say its like poker, and play it like a game, and people always go for the wrong guys. Why do we always go for the wrong guys? I think it’s their looks, their style, and simply because they say the right things. Is love truly worth it? Is it really worth your time to search desperately for the one you can hold, love, and adore? Well, I think so... but don't ask me. I don't know if i know what love is anymore.

You Just Wouldn't Understand

Depression is hard to explain. Those who've never had it, the "lucky ones" as I like to think simply won't understand. It's not that you're sad all the time... It's more like you just lack emotion. You go through your daily routine, but inside you're just a big ball of nothing. It's strange, really. At the end of the month, if someone were to ask you how that month was, you wouldn't have an answer. The days pass by like a blur. You watch others have fun with their friends and you just... you just wish that could be you. Why do they deserve it more than you? Why?
Oh then comes the constant wondering. It's so consistent you honestly can't keep your mind on anything besides the wonder. You know... what have I done to deserve this? How long can this, this gaping hole inside me last? Will I ever feel happiness - TRUE happiness - again?
Sometimes... well, no, more than sometimes, I reflect on life before this emptiness started. Life used to be so... colorful. Fun existed; you know what I'm saying? And I even find myself getting lost in those happy times! It's so great to feel again,  but nothing is worse than leaving those memories and returning to reality. It's like a slap in the face. The color leaves and all you can see is black and white again.